


and in the dark, i can hear your heartbeat.

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 09:42:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14102667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: He forgets that he’s loved a lot of the time, forgets that he’s a person who is allowed to hurt about the things that bother him.Or the one where Dan thinks about the other Dan and Phil's in other universes.





	and in the dark, i can hear your heartbeat.

Dan sometimes thinks about the fact that he didn’t know Phil once. That there was a time when Phil didn’t exist in his life. It’s an odd thing to think about, it puts him in weird moods, thinking of all the possibilities, if he had done something differently. He tries hard to not think about it but it happens sometimes. It gets to him especially late at night, when they’re in the taxi on their way home from a night out with too many drinks with friends and family. It’s all business, but is it really when you’re surrounded by people that you care about? 

It’s stuff like that. They had made this thing. This _Dan and Phil Thing_ from nothing, with just a few people, and then that became something. It could have gone differently. Dan could have kept all of his thoughts to himself, let himself be lonely and miserable, or he could have finished school. Stuck with something that he didn’t like at the moment and put youtube on the backburner. It didn’t make sense sometimes. He often thought about doing things differently. Would he? Maybe he would have thought about who he was hurting _while_ he was hurting, but that growth -- that growth had meant something. 

He’s looking out the window, they’re stuck in some late night traffic near piccadilly circus. The flashing billboards, the people stopping to pose for a pic. He wonders if they love London like he does. They’ll miss it when they’re gone. Their taxi driver pulls him out of the moment by honking on the horn and Dan is reminded where he is again. He looks over to Phil and he smiles at him in the dark. Their fingers are close to touching, and Dan could grab his hand right now, but he won’t. At least, not yet. 

The car radio plays One Direction, Dan can’t help but think of their interview, the chaos that led up to that interview, he shares another look with Phil. It’s something they’re good at, having complete conversations in silence, knowing what the other person is thinking because they’ve been around each other for so long to understand. While they weren’t special -- in the grand scheme of things -- they were special to each other. 

So he thinks back to the multiverse theory, he had watched several videos about it once, he didn’t understand a lot of it but he often thought about the fact that everything was a possibility. In another universe he would have been brave enough to hold Phil’s hand. He thinks of all the past times He Could Have, and how if the multiverse theory was true he had already done it a countless amount of times. It gives him comfort in knowing that somewhere out there, in a way he couldn’t yet explain, Dan and Phil were doing Dan and Phil Things that seemed impossible now but were as easy as breathing somewhere else. 

The first drop of rain streaks down the window, he looks up at the sky, the clouds are rolling in, spring was here to stay but came with its typical rainy days. After a long winter he’s grateful; the promise of new beginnings. He takes a deep breath at the thought, making the first noise after a long silence. Phil looks at him and it’s alright. He looks out that window again, thinking of the endless Dan and Phil’s, wondering if they’re cheering him on because he reaches out to hold Phil’s hand, in the backseat of a taxi while the car radio plays a song that he doesn’t know but is beginning to love because of this moment. 

It’s hard sometimes, in his head, when he’s locked there for days on end, to feel like things will be like _this_. This simplicity. He had been coming down from a slump that seemed like it never ended. The days felt so long and so tiring and he had to force himself to do the things that he needed to do. He forgets that he’s loved a lot of the time, forgets that he’s a person who is allowed to hurt about the things that bother him. He can’t comprehend that when he’s in it, because he’s too busy thinking that maybe he deserves it. 

It’s the moments like tonight, when they were all sitting at a table in the pub with their third drinks of the night talking about some problem that seemed like the end of the world at one point but was just a hiccup in their timelines, that everything felt like it was starting to smooth over. Dan felt like he could join in on the conversation and laugh at the same thing everyone else was laughing at, and when he looked to Phil he could see it too. 

Phil squeezes Dan’s hand, his thumb caressing the soft skin. 

They’re starting to recognize the places that they’re used to, Dan can name what store will come next, he’s taking his seatbelt off already to leave the car at the dropout point. He took his jacket off in the car, he’s got it ready to tug on for the small walk to their flat. When the taxi stops and lets them out, they say thank you and huddle close together on the chilly night with the raindrops still falling from the sky onto their hair. Dan thinks of how frizzy it’ll be by the time they make it inside the building. 

Dan’s still a little buzzed from the alcohol consumption. He doesn’t drink much, he knows that he shouldn’t drink much, but tonight was good and he’s feeling a little light and all he wants to do is bundle up in bed and take in the fact that he’s here, that he’s alive, and that he has Phil. It’s easy to forget important things like that. Forget that he belongs to someone and has for a long time. He’s hard on himself and thinks that he should push Phil away instead of pulling him closer but time and time again Phil reels him back in, reminding him that he’s loved, that he’s someone, that he belongs, and that this was their life. And sometimes this life could be a good one. 

When they’re in their flat they take jackets off place them somewhere they can quickly grab in the morning when they’re in an inevitable rush, and walk to their room slowly taking items of clothing off. They have things they need to do to get ready for bed but it doesn’t seem appealing right now as they stare at each other, Phil reaching out to touch Dan’s face, his thumb brushes his cheek and under his eyes where it’s darkened from the lack of sleep and stress. Phil does this sometimes; for him and for Dan. He likes to love on him, it’s comforting to know that he exists, too. 

Dan tugs Phil closer, wanting to be near him. He had said once that he wanted a weighted blanket because it would be nice for when Phil was gone and it said it helped with anxiety. Phil didn’t understand it at first, but he liked the idea of it, it wasn’t for him anyway.

Phil lays on top of Dan, their eye contact is intense at first, but soft as their smiles. Dan’s hands are running up and down his back, because Phil likes that. 

“Not to ruin the moment, but would you scratch my back?” Phil whispers in Dan’s ear, which gives him the chills only for it to be ruined by laughter. 

“I hate you.” Dan groans, doing as he asked. 

“Your fingers hurt.” Phil complains, pressing a kiss to the side of Dan’s neck. 

“Shut up.” Dan says, trying to scratch as gently as he can now. He stops and pats his back and Phil gets off of him, and they’re close again. 

Dan hugs Phil, knowing that this is not how they fall asleep, with many attempts at trying to keep a sleeping position they both like to move around a lot, but at least there were attempts. Phil holds him like he always has, but somehow this felt different. It’s the kind of hug you get after the storm. The worst part is over now, you can take a breath and figure out where to go from there, and you hold on to your loved one because sometimes they’re all you got and that was okay. 

Dan thinks back to his thought before in the car, how there was a time when he didn’t know Phil. His life would have been different. He didn’t believe in destiny, life didn’t work that way, but somehow they found each other, and maybe that was a cheesy thought, he didn’t know. Maybe in the other universes with the many Dan and Phil’s they’re nothing more than someone they passed on the street on their way to their separate lives--but they were together in this one. 

“What?” Phil asks, when Dan looks at him. 

“Nothing.” Dan says, shaking his head, his fingers reaching out to brush strands away from his face like Phil often does to him. “It’s just- you exist.”

Phil reads his face, and he smiles, _like he knows._ “Yeah. I do.”

“What do you think we’re doing? I mean, in the other universes.” Dan whispers.

“I don’t know. A lot of this, I hope.” Phil presses a kiss to Dan’s forehead, pulling him closer to his chest. 

Dan was content with that answer, he didn’t need a long discussion about it. It was enough for him. 

“Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> comment/kudos appreciated!
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan.**


End file.
